Roughed Up But Steadily Growing

I feel beaten up and battered, not physically, emotionally.  I’ve felt this way for many months.  This place of isolation, where I don’t like very much, and I hurt a lot.  My tears are quick to come and so is my anger and frustration.  I feel selfish, unloved and unlovable.  How did this happen?  When did I start down this path?  I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful daughters, parents that love me and encourage me.  Our finances are stable.  There is not one of us suffering from illness or injury.  What is MY problem?

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.”
(John 10:10, NIV)

There is a REAL enemy who wants to steal my joy; steal my peace; kill me in my place of authority and influence.  Every day his plan is to kill me either physically or emotionally.  He doesn’t care which way I go.  He just wants me gone.

I help him.

I give in to my impatience.  Every time my husband comes home late, or doesn’t answer the phone when I call, or forgets to tell me he loves me, or doesn’t tell me I look pretty, or, or, or, or…

I give in to my frustration.  Every time I have to pick up my kids clothes, or clean their bathroom, or teach the same thing over again, or tell them not to bicker, or talk back, or, or, or, or…

I give in to my selfishness.  Every time I JUST WANT IT MY WAY!

I give in to my anger.  Every time spewing hateful words from my mouth that do anything but hurt the ones I love the most.

The Apostle Paul reminds us, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  (Ephesains 6:12, NIV)  They are sneaky!  They will take any and all authority I am willing to give up.  Every time.

BUT, I have authority through Jesus Christ.  Authority means that I have the power to determine, control or command.  I have the right to silence the enemy.  I have the final decision in spiritual conflict with the enemy.  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

My flesh is what cries out for me to give into frustration, impatience, selfishness and anger.  My soul cries out for the heart of my heavenly father who is the complete opposite of these things.  My father who loves me completely despite my ugliness and frailty.  I am broken.  But He is my redeemer, my helper, my friend.  For Him I will once again say as the Psalmist said so perfectly in Psalm 121

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

I will once again turn from looking inward and chose to look upward.  I will intentionally chose to fight in this season.  I’m fighting for my life and the life of my family.  Yes, it’s been a season of sitting in my misery, feeling sorry for myself.  Yes, I have been roughed up and I’ve given into impulse, and I will again.  But today I put on my armor and I KNOW who wins!!